Mama Cass

Here is where I am, and I am where it's at.

Blades, fire, and death.
  I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Meeting you, our lust, this baby, our unfulfilled dreams of growth and progress... it all has a purpose in my life. The blade cuts, the fire burns, and then there is the sweet release of death that follows. Death allows for new beginnings, and for this I am grateful... but I still feel the sting of the cuts and the heat of the fire. I refuse to feel guilty for the grave that you have dug for yourself. I will carry on, carrying this child inside of me, and I will always be victorious. No amount of lust or love will convince me to allow myself to be buried in that hole with you. I feel pity for you, that you were completely unable to grow and heal so that we could both move on together. Your darkness is too deep, and you are so lost inside of it that you are blind to my light. There is sadness and mourning in this, naturally. I gave a lot of myself to you... but there is also a relief that I can let go and be free from you and everything inside of me that reflects who you are. There are parts inside of me that are like you, but meeting you and going through this with you has allowed me to see them and let them catch fire in my eyes while I cut the cord that binds us together. Then there is nothing but the comforting abyss of death that remains. Regardless of what you choose to do with yourself now, I will rise up out of the ashes like the glorious pheonix that I have always been. Nothing can hold me back. I will never give into the darkness in me that is mirrored in the clear blue pools of your eyes. After everything that I have fought so hard to overcome within myself, I will never allow myself to go back to that place with those fools that destroy their minds and hearts for a fleeting moment of synthetic bliss. I am more than all of this. I always have been, but the flames and the swords have set me free from the darkness, and now I can allow that part of me to die. I am free, and I as I soar through the sky, I may let out an agonizing cry of mourning... but know that this too, is also a cry of victory. For I will no longer allow fear and desperation to rule over my heart and mind. I will face what is, and what is to come with the strength of a warrior queen that never surrenders. So my mourning song, is also my battle cry. Hear me roar from a distance, because what need does a queen have for a page? I have no need or desire to be brought down to your level, and I am done playing in the dirt with you. Carry on sweet, tortured page, for only in solitude will you find your release from the bonds that hold you down. There is no more that I can do for you. Only you can save, or destroy yourself. All I ask is that you do it elsewhere, I have no need to watch you bury yourself in your own shit. May you find true peace within your heart, without stealing mine.


The Double-edged Blade.
  I have convinced myself to keep trying with you... but I wonder, what are you trying to do? Why, despite our firey connection in the bedroom, do I feel as though we will never fit in any other aspect of our lives? Our priorities, values, and goals are so very different... Is it then possible for us to move forward together? If so, where exactly are we moving forward to? What does "trying" mean to you? You apologize over and over, and yet nothing changes. Everything remains the same. Here I am, putting my best effort in, setting my worries and fears aside, and there you are continuing on in the exact same fashion that caused me to want to push you away in the first place. How infuriating and frustrating... It takes both of us "trying" for this to evolve into something that is lasting and progressive. Somehow I feel that you will never be up to the challenge. Perhaps you just have no ability to move past these things, being so lost in your own head, your past, and your dedication to doing anything and everything for your friends while you constantly just leave me waiting. Or maybe I am just too impatient and a raging perfectionist. I just feel so frustrated all of the time with the way that you behave... the way that you snap at me about things that were never intended to be a personal attack... the way that we can never have an entire night together because you always have to run off and do something for someone else... the way that you sleep most of the time that you spend at my place... the way that you absolutely refuse to take proper care of yourself, and then come here and complain constantly about these problems that you are perpetuating in yourself... the way that you waste fantastic meals that I make, because you fuck your body so hard that you can barely bring yourself to eat... it all aggravates me to no end... What am I to do with you?

The Queen of Swords.
  It has been brought to my attention, by the universe, that I may possibly have unrealistic expectations of beyond human perfection. Perhaps I need to look deeper into this, and let go a little bit to allow for things to unfold organically. I am hanging on too tightly to my high ideals and have had no patience for human limitation, which I am realizing is unfair... all it's doing is creating competition for who is right or wrong, and resentment for expecting things to be more than they can presently be. I must have patience, tact, and remain open to the potential that seems to be lurking just beneath the surface of my demand for ultimate progress and instant gratification. I need to balance my heart and my mind and tune them to my soul. I need to look at myself as honestly as I am expecting him to, and realize how I have contributed to the void that has grown between us. I need to look more closely for the truth beyond my lofty ideas, aloofness, and total lack of patience. This never would have happened between us, if there was nothing there to begin with.

  There is always a chance that potential will be left unfulfilled and be replaced with nothing by disappointment. However, if I cling to tightly to what I have created for myself and my high expectations of myself and others, I will stagnate. I will remain where I am, and never truly grow unless I am willing to take risks and be understanding of where my lover is at in his life. So yet again, a chance is being given. Where that will lead, I am uncertain. I have to know for sure if this is who I am meant to be with. The only way to figure that out, is to keep trying. Dig deeper. Relinquish control. The only way out is the way through.

  Too many times in my life, my solution has been to give up, run away, and blame others for my inability to love on love's terms. My obsession with perfection and my constant driving will to be in control of every single outcome, has done nothing but pushed people who loved me away, leaving me alone. I am more than just a heart breaker. I am more than this. Some part inside of me must see that he is more than this too. He will never be able to achieve what I am tyrannically trying to force him into, if I remain so rigid and squeeze so tightly that he has no room to grow. We are currently stifling each other by having these unrealistic expectations that demand more than we are able to give or be in this moment. It triggers all of those nasty old behaviors from our abusive pasts, and that's never good. We must both learn to let of go of the past, if we are going to truly move forward together. Otherwise the end is inevitable.

When clarity and understanding are elusive af...
  It has been only ten days since my last entry, and yet again my feelings about my current romantic situation have completely inverted, turned upside down and inside out, and made a complete and total reversal. How is it that he can convince me so easily that he can be the man that I want and deserve, only to prove a short time later, that it was all just passive agreement to end the conflict. Every time that I think he gets it, he very quickly proves to me that he never really did. You know what that is to me? Lies. Stinking, filthy, bullshit lies. All to appease the Queen of Hearts so that you can keep your head. I feel like a total fool for falling for the charade every fucking time. You understand nothing that I have tried so desperately to convey to you. You will never understand me, or my mission. What am I meant to do with you? Giving up seems cowardly, but continuing on seems absolutely ridiculous. If only I could trust that you would eventually pull your head out of your fucking ass and be a man about things. I am sure that somewhere beneath all of your bullshit, insecurity, manipulation, lies, and passive agressive behaviour, that there is a man that I fell in love with... but how can I stay with you when you absolutely refuse to even try to be him? This time, I have neglected to even start a fight about all of this. I see no fucking point anymore. How many times can we have the same argument, and how many times can I preach to you until my throat is sore and dry and my head is going to explode? I am so fucking tired! You are so self absorbed in your total self loathing, blaming me for every negative thing that you feel, like I somehow had something to do with all the pain and misery that has built up inside of you from years of shit and abuse that you have endured. I was never there when these things happened to you! I just fucking got here!!!! When will you ever learn to take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviours?! I deserve more than this. You probably do too... but how should I expect myself to wait around for you to grow the fuck up and continue to endure the way that you are treating me? Of course, in your mind, I am the big bad bitch. I am the cause and root of all of your pain and hurt and I treat you like absolute shit. Well you know what? THAT IS TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT. I have given you absolutely everything that I have to give. My home, my food, my money, my body, my heart, time with my child, my fucking uterus is full of your spawn for fucks sake! How much more can I give before you believe that I love you and that I want to be with you. I should be saying that in past tense these days, because the truth is that I am too tired to go on. As much as I wish that we could carry forward and trudge through this, I find it hard to believe that that will ever accomplish anything. You can never learn to fly as long as you are sheltered beneath my wings. What choice do I really have if you simply are unable to be at the same level as me? So I break your heart, send you on your way, and then you blame and hate me for however long it takes you to truly look at yourself and realize the things that I have been trying to tell/teach you this entire fucking time. That sounds like a great fucking plan. The alternative though? Stay with you and continued to be manipulated, abused, blamed, hurt, and enraged. I have no desire to do either! Is there a third option here? If only you could somehow force someone to grow the fuck up... to see themselves and their lives honestly, and to break all of those built in patterns of abuse inside of them. If only...

 There is only one way to do that... and that is to send you on your way, to figure your own shit out. To accept your cruelty and hatred for the entire time that it takes for you to fucking get it (if you ever do, that is). Regardless of what happens, it would seem that I have to bear the brunt of your bullshit. Fucking fantastic. I am pregnant and would love to have a supportive, loving, encouraging partner... but you can never be that. You are simply incapable of being such a thing. You will never get it as long as we are together. You just wrap yourself up in me and forget about everything like I am a drug to you. Drown in my love and forget about the shit you have to face and the demons that you need to fight. So I guess I am the big bad bitch. You will never believe this, but it is only because I love you that I must let you go. It is because I love myself that I refuse to endure this shit any longer. I refuse to be your heroin. So I will be your recovery. You must go cold turkey. Face the world. Fight your demons. Stop hiding in the shade of my great tree with it's widespread branches that make you feel safe and protected. Go out into the storm my love, for if you stay here, we will both burn in the fire of the destruction that lives inside of your heart.

A Quiet Raining Tuesday Morning...
  It's dark in my apartment, with the curtains drawn, and the sky outside is grey... I am being very quiet so as to avoid waking up my love, my man. I am feeling very introspective this morning in the absence of light and the silence.

  It has been a wild ride these past 11 months. Many lessons have been learned, there has been joy, reckless abandon, pain, heartache, and so very many revelations. Today, I feel as though everything is as it is meant to be. I feel like things have come around full circle and taught me a great deal about my past, which is encouraging my present and creating my future. There have been times without hope, and there have been times of total faith and love that lift me up to places I have never been before. I am currently expecting my second child, which regardless of any outside events or situations, is an incredible blessing. I have a wonderful man who somehow is able to endure the absolute madness and wild fire of my heart and mind. It has been so very volatile between us, but also so very enlightening and enriching. I could hardly ask for more, as I now feel that this is everything that I needed and wanted for myself and my life. The all consuming fire that fuels our desire and the winds of change that fan the flames even higher, are engulfing everything old and dead things that no longer serve us... leading us forward to our destiny of new growth and abundance that we have never known.

  What else really needs to be said? I know that it could still go in any direction at any time, at this point, as wild fires tend to do. It is unpredictable, raw, and an unstoppable force of nature. Where I once would have felt a spark within my heart for a love that I longed for, there is a raging bonfire that has no mercy for the weak, slow, or old. It ignites every part of me with an all consuming love, or at times, total rage! It is however, something worth fighting for, and I will continue to do so with all of the reckless abandon and endless love that created it in the first place.

Getting in touch with my roots and tending to my branches.
  There is absolutely too much for me to say, as usual. I have spent the past 10 days in Calgary with my family, and it has been both wonderful and exhausting! It is always good for me to come here and remember who I am and where I come from, as sometimes these things begin to slip away from me over time. The rain outside makes me feel so introspective, and yet I am struggling with where I should begin.

  Leaving behind those who have been holding me back has set me free in such a way that I am truly able to be myself for the first time in so very long. Being with my blood kin has amplified this a lot for me. It reminds me of how far I have come, and guides me in the direction I want to go. Despite shortcomings and drama between certain members of my family (which also reminds me of where not to go), I have not let my spirit become dampened for long. They will have their quabbles, and even being trapped in the middle, I will not let the negativity touch my inner core. It is their struggle, not mine. I have to remember that we are all full grown adults now, and their problems are not my problems. I must trust them enough to know that they can handle these things on their own. There is no need for me to be a mediator and cause myself more grief than necessary. That's all the thought that I am willing to put into that right now.

  As for me, I have never felt so damn good about myself! I hardly recognize myself in the mirror, my smile has become radiant, the years are melting off of me, and I feel youthful and vibrant while still carrying the wisdom of my almost 30 years along with me. A great balance, I think. Although I am sure that my wisdom hides in the corner when I think about a certain someone, as I am plunging into this new found (unexpected and unplanned) romance with hopeless abandon and very little actual reasoning. I am drawn to him in such a way that no matter how reason and wisdom may scream at me from their little hiding places, my heart still surges forward with the wild determination of a forest fire. His bright airy brilliance fans the flames of my heart into a glorious bonfire that has no mercy for the weak or the cautious. As much as my fear of being hurt or wasting my life away may haunt me, it is so very daunted by the feeling of absolute connectivity and passion. I simply can not, or do not want, to resist. Resistance is futile! Those almond shaped gorgeous blue eyes have such a hold on me, that I refuse to look away. I feel as though I want to do everything there is to do in this world, with him. I want to go everywhere, with him. I want to see everything, with him. I have it bad, my friends.

  And with that, I will depart for the time being, as my coffee and death sticks call to me. So much love for those who actually keep up with reading my posts, and I wish you were here with me to enjoy a coffee and a long lovely discussion about everything there ever was to discuss. You know who you are! I love you so much!

This precious moment, choosing to be here, right now.
  There is more on my mind than seems humanly possible at the moment. The entirety of the known Universe might as well be spinning around inside my head. I have so many insights that I want to share, ideas that I want to manifest, and feelings that I must confess. There are too many to put into words, and they take flight on the wind like hundreds of seedlings searching for places to take root. So many possibilities, so much potential. Impossible to focus on just one, but there is a joyousness to their chaotic dance. There is a freedom. That is the feeling. Total freedom. Infinite. If my heart were a flame, the fresh breeze would be feeding it and bringing it back to life. My soul is engulfed, and I will arise from the ashes whole and pure. Fucking freedom. The key ingredient in my transformation. For lack of a better term, "fuck yeah". The fire, it burns. The wind, it howls. It's an inferno, burning up everything around me that has kept me imprisoned. I scream in pain and ecstasy simultaneously. I fucking roar. There I am, and here I have always been. Let the fire take it all, let the wind feed it with so much life, that nothing remains, and the new growth can begin again. 

Now that you're gone...
  Regardless of whether or not this is what I chose, there will undoubtedly be a huge empty space in my life where you used to be. My best friend, my lover, my companion. For three years we carried on together without incident. Three years of harmony, passion, laughter, cuddles, and mutual acceptance. You keep asking me what you have done wrong, what changed. I have no concrete answer for you, no one thing. Maybe nothing changed, and that was the problem. Maybe I changed. I want different things now. I feel different things now. And yet I wonder, did I simply use you to get to this point? Some kind of human stepping stone? Or would I have found myself here with myself as I am now, either way? Everything you've done for me... it all weighs on me like a boulder, crushing the life out of me. Every happy moment, every smile, that adoring look in your eyes... it all flashes in fast-motion in my brain. Driving me insane. All I want to do is message you and tell you that I am sorry and I take it all back. But it would be a desperate lie. A grasping hollow attempt to stay put. Where it's safe and warm and comforting.

  I want more than that. More than comfort and safety. More than the familiar. I want excitement. I want freedom. Expression. Time alone. I want to be self-sufficient and healthy. I am tired of being the girl who gets rescued or taken care of. I want to be that person for myself. I want to do my own thing without having to feel guilty or pressured to do otherwise.

  The guilt weighs me down, and brings me down into dark places within myself. It brings about a desire to find comfort in something numbing and to drown myself in it. I want more wine, but the wine hurts me so bad. My body will no longer allow me to be destructive. It will give me no leway. Of course I know that drowning my problems in alcohol or drugs will definitely not help. I know. I know. I know. It just hurts so bad. I am the one leaving you behind, and I am saying that it hurts... Nice, right? How can I just let you slip away into misery and hopeless abandon, when you have always been there for me? I feel like I am an awful awful person right now. Yet somehow, my decision remains the same. Why hurt you everyday by pushing you away, turning from your kiss, or sleeping across the bed from you? It seems only fair to hurt you once and be done with it. It is killing me to do this to you...

Words can not explain how sorry I am...

The wild winds of change...
  I am wide awake. It is quiet and dark. I am so deep in thought, I feel like the universe is unfolding inside of my brain. Epiphanies come like crashing waves, one after another, drowning me in existential bliss. With so much to say, it is always a challenge to begin. Sometimes simply stating that, creates a beginning itself.

  Everything is speaking to me. Everything is guiding me forward, deeper within, blossoming without. I can see so clearly, it's as if I have taken hallucinogenic drugs and accidentally discovered the secrets of the universe. The truth about myself is so powerful and overwhelming that I can't believe so much meaning can reside within this tiny meat sack that is my body. My physical body may possibly explode during this process. Hopefully for your sake, I manage to hit enter first. I am spinning on this tangent now, but there are points I need to make. Deepest thoughts that I must communicate. This is the only place it feels relatively safe, and yet still I worry. To continue on...

  All must be undone to be recreated. Things that once served me so well and have meant so much, are sadly becoming outrageously outdated. I am outgrowing absolutely everything. No, not everyone. But there are some, who must be left behind. How can it be that at one time, this intangible emotion-filled thing propelled me so far forward, and now that very thing is what seems to be holding me back? Was it ever said thing that drove me along? Perhaps it was simply me all this time. There I go again, bouncing myself off of someone and giving them all the credit. All things have a time and a place I suppose. Here I go again on my own... going down the only road I've ever known.

  How though, can I possibly detach from these things that I have poured so much of myself into? So much time, energy, love, passion, care, loyalty, and diligence. Patience and endurance. How does one let go so simply? Without due reason? What does one say? Breaking things down has often been a past time of mine. Never like this though. Never with something that for all intensive purposes, is completely flawless. Or is it? Is it all a desperate masquerade, clinging to what we want to believe is there so that we can feel safe at night? The last thing I want is to be destructive. There is no way to go about these things without causing pain. To remain only creates more pain. To be or not to be? Those words for once, make perfect sense to me. I want so much to evolve past these things, and yet I cling to them for dear life as though they are what is keeping me afloat. This, my inner-self tells me, is far from true. It is me, treading water, keeping myself from drowning. It has always been me.

  This clarity is almost sickening. I wish, in this quiet voice in my mind, that I was just blind to it all. That I could just stay where it's comfortable and warm. Where it's safe. I can see the future in this vague and formless way. I can follow the tendrils but for moments, and they show me the outcome of my decisions. I stay and I will slowly sink. If I stay here, I stop treading water and let it pull me under, into it's peaceful hollow embrace. Is that what I want? Is protecting others from pain really worth giving up my own passions and desires? Probably not. But how oh how can I possibly have the courage to say... "Good-bye"?

Emotional Limbo
  I am caught somewhere inbetween everything I want and everything I wish to discard. The debate about what belongs in my life right now, is very heated and indecisive in my mind. It's hard to see, from so deep within. I have so much happening in my brain simultaneously, that I am finding it hard to communicate a conducive line of thought. What are the things that I really want? Who, in my life, is driving me forward? Holding me back? I suppose, in the end, it is always me doing one or the other, bouncing my limitations (or lack thereof) off of those closest to me.

  Why do I feel so disassociative towards the man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me? That would do anything for me. He treats me like a queen, and has never been anything but supportive, regardless of the choices I have made. So why am I apprehensive? Why am I pulling back? You have reached the three kiss limit, please back away slowly and leave me be now. I say this with a simple dip of my head, that places my forehead to his lips. Somehow this has become my signal. Go back to your designated location over there. Yes, I love you, but please leave me alone.

  Where is all of this leading me? It feels so powerful, so moving, and so important. I feel so connected to everything, and everyone - but him. I feel a weightlessness in my body, that seperates me from my pain. I feel a higher purpose coursing through my veins, driving me to reach higher and higher. The answer perhaps, lies in that simple statement that represents a complex mechanism. Is he reaching up? Moving forward? I would like to believe that this is true. That he is willing to grow is obvious. That he would do anything to keep me is absolutely, abundantly clear. Does that change how I feel? Unfortunately, no. This is where my confusion lies. I feel as though I have no reason to doubt or question what we have. Everything is completely ideal. Comfortable. Safe. Familiar. So why then, am I filled to the brim with doubt, and longing for more?

That's all I have for now. Must percolate. 


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