I am caught somewhere inbetween everything I want and everything I wish to discard. The debate about what belongs in my life right now, is very heated and indecisive in my mind. It's hard to see, from so deep within. I have so much happening in my brain simultaneously, that I am finding it hard to communicate a conducive line of thought. What are the things that I really want? Who, in my life, is driving me forward? Holding me back? I suppose, in the end, it is always me doing one or the other, bouncing my limitations (or lack thereof) off of those closest to me.
Why do I feel so disassociative towards the man that wants to spend the rest of his life with me? That would do anything for me. He treats me like a queen, and has never been anything but supportive, regardless of the choices I have made. So why am I apprehensive? Why am I pulling back? You have reached the three kiss limit, please back away slowly and leave me be now. I say this with a simple dip of my head, that places my forehead to his lips. Somehow this has become my signal. Go back to your designated location over there. Yes, I love you, but please leave me alone.
Where is all of this leading me? It feels so powerful, so moving, and so important. I feel so connected to everything, and everyone - but him. I feel a weightlessness in my body, that seperates me from my pain. I feel a higher purpose coursing through my veins, driving me to reach higher and higher. The answer perhaps, lies in that simple statement that represents a complex mechanism. Is he reaching up? Moving forward? I would like to believe that this is true. That he is willing to grow is obvious. That he would do anything to keep me is absolutely, abundantly clear. Does that change how I feel? Unfortunately, no. This is where my confusion lies. I feel as though I have no reason to doubt or question what we have. Everything is completely ideal. Comfortable. Safe. Familiar. So why then, am I filled to the brim with doubt, and longing for more?
That's all I have for now. Must percolate.
Here is where I am, and I am where it's at.
- Emotional Limbo