Mama Cass

Here is where I am, and I am where it's at.

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The wild winds of change...
  I am wide awake. It is quiet and dark. I am so deep in thought, I feel like the universe is unfolding inside of my brain. Epiphanies come like crashing waves, one after another, drowning me in existential bliss. With so much to say, it is always a challenge to begin. Sometimes simply stating that, creates a beginning itself.

  Everything is speaking to me. Everything is guiding me forward, deeper within, blossoming without. I can see so clearly, it's as if I have taken hallucinogenic drugs and accidentally discovered the secrets of the universe. The truth about myself is so powerful and overwhelming that I can't believe so much meaning can reside within this tiny meat sack that is my body. My physical body may possibly explode during this process. Hopefully for your sake, I manage to hit enter first. I am spinning on this tangent now, but there are points I need to make. Deepest thoughts that I must communicate. This is the only place it feels relatively safe, and yet still I worry. To continue on...

  All must be undone to be recreated. Things that once served me so well and have meant so much, are sadly becoming outrageously outdated. I am outgrowing absolutely everything. No, not everyone. But there are some, who must be left behind. How can it be that at one time, this intangible emotion-filled thing propelled me so far forward, and now that very thing is what seems to be holding me back? Was it ever said thing that drove me along? Perhaps it was simply me all this time. There I go again, bouncing myself off of someone and giving them all the credit. All things have a time and a place I suppose. Here I go again on my own... going down the only road I've ever known.

  How though, can I possibly detach from these things that I have poured so much of myself into? So much time, energy, love, passion, care, loyalty, and diligence. Patience and endurance. How does one let go so simply? Without due reason? What does one say? Breaking things down has often been a past time of mine. Never like this though. Never with something that for all intensive purposes, is completely flawless. Or is it? Is it all a desperate masquerade, clinging to what we want to believe is there so that we can feel safe at night? The last thing I want is to be destructive. There is no way to go about these things without causing pain. To remain only creates more pain. To be or not to be? Those words for once, make perfect sense to me. I want so much to evolve past these things, and yet I cling to them for dear life as though they are what is keeping me afloat. This, my inner-self tells me, is far from true. It is me, treading water, keeping myself from drowning. It has always been me.

  This clarity is almost sickening. I wish, in this quiet voice in my mind, that I was just blind to it all. That I could just stay where it's comfortable and warm. Where it's safe. I can see the future in this vague and formless way. I can follow the tendrils but for moments, and they show me the outcome of my decisions. I stay and I will slowly sink. If I stay here, I stop treading water and let it pull me under, into it's peaceful hollow embrace. Is that what I want? Is protecting others from pain really worth giving up my own passions and desires? Probably not. But how oh how can I possibly have the courage to say... "Good-bye"?


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