Mama Cass

Here is where I am, and I am where it's at.

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Now that you're gone...
  Regardless of whether or not this is what I chose, there will undoubtedly be a huge empty space in my life where you used to be. My best friend, my lover, my companion. For three years we carried on together without incident. Three years of harmony, passion, laughter, cuddles, and mutual acceptance. You keep asking me what you have done wrong, what changed. I have no concrete answer for you, no one thing. Maybe nothing changed, and that was the problem. Maybe I changed. I want different things now. I feel different things now. And yet I wonder, did I simply use you to get to this point? Some kind of human stepping stone? Or would I have found myself here with myself as I am now, either way? Everything you've done for me... it all weighs on me like a boulder, crushing the life out of me. Every happy moment, every smile, that adoring look in your eyes... it all flashes in fast-motion in my brain. Driving me insane. All I want to do is message you and tell you that I am sorry and I take it all back. But it would be a desperate lie. A grasping hollow attempt to stay put. Where it's safe and warm and comforting.

  I want more than that. More than comfort and safety. More than the familiar. I want excitement. I want freedom. Expression. Time alone. I want to be self-sufficient and healthy. I am tired of being the girl who gets rescued or taken care of. I want to be that person for myself. I want to do my own thing without having to feel guilty or pressured to do otherwise.

  The guilt weighs me down, and brings me down into dark places within myself. It brings about a desire to find comfort in something numbing and to drown myself in it. I want more wine, but the wine hurts me so bad. My body will no longer allow me to be destructive. It will give me no leway. Of course I know that drowning my problems in alcohol or drugs will definitely not help. I know. I know. I know. It just hurts so bad. I am the one leaving you behind, and I am saying that it hurts... Nice, right? How can I just let you slip away into misery and hopeless abandon, when you have always been there for me? I feel like I am an awful awful person right now. Yet somehow, my decision remains the same. Why hurt you everyday by pushing you away, turning from your kiss, or sleeping across the bed from you? It seems only fair to hurt you once and be done with it. It is killing me to do this to you...

Words can not explain how sorry I am...

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Oh hun, be gentle with yourself. What would you say to me if they were my words written above? What would you say to my confusion and that toxic self-blame?
Find that voice. Write down all of your compassion, your support and your love. Type out the thoughts you'd give to me, to help soothe my ache... You have always been good at it, have gifted me with such comfort...

When you've done that, let me know. Okay? Put all of your live into it, then let me know - maybe even post it here - and I'll respond.

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