It has been brought to my attention, by the universe, that I may possibly have unrealistic expectations of beyond human perfection. Perhaps I need to look deeper into this, and let go a little bit to allow for things to unfold organically. I am hanging on too tightly to my high ideals and have had no patience for human limitation, which I am realizing is unfair... all it's doing is creating competition for who is right or wrong, and resentment for expecting things to be more than they can presently be. I must have patience, tact, and remain open to the potential that seems to be lurking just beneath the surface of my demand for ultimate progress and instant gratification. I need to balance my heart and my mind and tune them to my soul. I need to look at myself as honestly as I am expecting him to, and realize how I have contributed to the void that has grown between us. I need to look more closely for the truth beyond my lofty ideas, aloofness, and total lack of patience. This never would have happened between us, if there was nothing there to begin with.
There is always a chance that potential will be left unfulfilled and be replaced with nothing by disappointment. However, if I cling to tightly to what I have created for myself and my high expectations of myself and others, I will stagnate. I will remain where I am, and never truly grow unless I am willing to take risks and be understanding of where my lover is at in his life. So yet again, a chance is being given. Where that will lead, I am uncertain. I have to know for sure if this is who I am meant to be with. The only way to figure that out, is to keep trying. Dig deeper. Relinquish control. The only way out is the way through.
Too many times in my life, my solution has been to give up, run away, and blame others for my inability to love on love's terms. My obsession with perfection and my constant driving will to be in control of every single outcome, has done nothing but pushed people who loved me away, leaving me alone. I am more than just a heart breaker. I am more than this. Some part inside of me must see that he is more than this too. He will never be able to achieve what I am tyrannically trying to force him into, if I remain so rigid and squeeze so tightly that he has no room to grow. We are currently stifling each other by having these unrealistic expectations that demand more than we are able to give or be in this moment. It triggers all of those nasty old behaviors from our abusive pasts, and that's never good. We must both learn to let of go of the past, if we are going to truly move forward together. Otherwise the end is inevitable.
Here is where I am, and I am where it's at.
- The Queen of Swords.