We are not promised tomorrow. Everything that we have, everyone that we love is so precious in this moment. Every moment. All silently connecting across an intricate web made up of infinite strands of electric light. It knows no bounds or limitations such as time, distance, or space. The energy exists outside of those physical limitations of the flesh. For it is infinite. It may seem like we are so very separate, but all of that is an illusion. We are connected on a level that transcends all physical things. It is always there, and the tendrils of warm electric light only grow brighter and brighter as we seek to strengthen the connection. Like blood coursing with life, flowing endlessly to every organ, vein, and artery. It seeks us out, following the paths of our voices, our memories, and our thoughts. All of those seemingly tiny bits of information floating randomly out there, are not random. They trace the lines of the map that is created for our energy to flow through, to one another. We are never alone, it is all an illusion. We are always, all one, in all ways. I can feel the love of everyone connected to me, flowing like blood into my own veins, my own being is infused with even the love of those that are now sleeping (hopefully peacefully) in bed. I can feel them with me. There are no degrees of separation between those who truly love each other. I am right here with you, as you are right here with me.
It is the little things we miss:
Direct eye contact.
Coffee together in the morning. (the smell of the coffee in the morning...mmm)
Our laughter being heard in the same room.
Existing in the same place. Being able to feel the vibe of home together, whomever the home may happen to belong to.
It feels like I have so many things to say all of a sudden, and yet seem to have lost my way somehow. Having a lot of time to think can definitely fill your mind up with very many things. I have had a lot of time to think, and wonder, and plan. Perhaps that is why these things happen. My body was out of balance with my brain and it simply had to shut itself down, so that they could synchronize themselves together again. I definitely have a strong sense that everything is happening for a reason. This is not just random "life being shitty" bullshit. I am telling you, this is leading me somewhere, teaching me something. It's challenging me to look at everything completely differently. I am being lead forward by something outside of myself or from way deep within myself. I am not even sure. I am going somewhere while sitting nowhere. How is it that I feel so much like I am falling apart, and yet I feel like I am finally putting the pieces back where they really belong? What should seem like failure and despair, in my current situation, is not translating that way to me at all. According the the doctor I am beyond stressed to the point of anxiety... but in my mind, that's not how it is. Regardless of money issues or anything like that. Those things don't worry me as much these days. I have a blessed life with wonderful resources and people in it. I know I will get through all of it, and I will thrive as I always have, and as my daughter always will. We have defeated absolutely anything that has ever gotten in our way, and despite my exhaustion, I am not ready to give up or quit on myself yet. There is always a way through these things. I have faith in myself and in the universe.
I really feel like a lot of good has come out of some of the worst experiences in my life. I will have to get deeper into that sometime. This is a very disjointed journal entry, and I think it's time to sign off for the night. Join all those whom I love so dearly, in sleep time. Much love to the only lovely lady that will most likely ever read any of this. I truly love you with all of my heart you gorgeous woman with an incredible soul, you!