Mama Cass

Here is where I am, and I am where it's at.

I am gonna love you like I am gonna lose you.
We are not promised tomorrow. Everything that we have, everyone that we love is so precious in this moment. Every moment. All silently connecting across an intricate web made up of infinite strands of electric light. It knows no bounds or limitations such as time, distance, or space. The energy exists outside of those physical limitations of the flesh. For it is infinite. It may seem like we are so very separate, but all of that is an illusion. We are connected on a level that transcends all physical things. It is always there, and the tendrils of warm electric light only grow brighter and brighter as we seek to strengthen the connection. Like blood coursing with life, flowing endlessly to every organ, vein, and artery. It seeks us out, following the paths of our voices, our memories, and our thoughts. All of those seemingly tiny bits of information floating randomly out there, are not random. They trace the lines of the map that is created for our energy to flow through, to one another. We are never alone, it is all an illusion. We are always, all one, in all ways. I can feel the love of everyone connected to me, flowing like blood into my own veins, my own being is infused with even the love of those that are now sleeping (hopefully peacefully) in bed. I can feel them with me. There are no degrees of separation between those who truly love each other. I am right here with you, as you are right here with me.

It is the little things we miss:

Direct eye contact.
The smells.
The hugs.
Coffee together in the morning. (the smell of the coffee in the morning...mmm)
Our laughter being heard in the same room.
Existing in the same place. Being able to feel the vibe of home together, whomever the home may happen to belong to.

It feels like I have so many things to say all of a sudden, and yet seem to have lost my way somehow. Having a lot of time to think can definitely fill your mind up with very many things. I have had a lot of time to think, and wonder, and plan. Perhaps that is why these things happen. My body was out of balance with my brain and it simply had to shut itself down, so that they could synchronize themselves together again. I definitely have a strong sense that everything is happening for a reason. This is not just random "life being shitty" bullshit. I am telling you, this is leading me somewhere, teaching me something. It's challenging me to look at everything completely differently. I am being lead forward by something outside of myself or from way deep within myself. I am not even sure. I am going somewhere while sitting nowhere. How is it that I feel so much like I am falling apart, and yet I feel like I am finally putting the pieces back where they really belong? What should seem like failure and despair, in my current situation, is not translating that way to me at all. According the the doctor I am beyond stressed to the point of anxiety... but in my mind, that's not how it is. Regardless of money issues or anything like that. Those things don't worry me as much these days. I have a blessed life with wonderful resources and people in it. I know I will get through all of it, and I will thrive as I always have, and as my daughter always will. We have defeated absolutely anything that has ever gotten in our way, and despite my exhaustion, I am not ready to give up or quit on myself yet. There is always a way through these things. I have faith in myself and in the universe.

I really feel like a lot of good has come out of some of the worst experiences in my life. I will have to get deeper into that sometime. This is a very disjointed journal entry, and I think it's time to sign off for the night. Join all those whom I love so dearly, in sleep time. Much love to the only lovely lady that will most likely ever read any of this. I truly love you with all of my heart you gorgeous woman with an incredible soul, you!

So very much time has passed since I have even considered writing on this page. So much time in fact, that I have absolutely no idea where to begin. I find myself completely gravitated to it however, the click of the keys, the sight of my own words flowing from one side to the other... it creates this feeling inside me that has been dormant for so long. That I might actually have things to say that have meaning, and are worth something. Many many things have changed, and yet in many ways, I am still me. I am still here inside this body, looking out with a fresh perspective in light of everything I have faced in the passing years. I have conquered my demons. I have become an independent woman, a strong woman. Something I never truly thought that I could become. I had to go down every single dark alley in my mind, and meet with the creeps that skulked around in there, offering me forbidden pieces of myself that took me down inside myself where the light never touched. Those ugly, hurting, rotten bits of my soul were so deliciously awful that I kept going back to them time and time again. Thinking that somehow I must deserve to be in that place, with those creeps, in the dark. The truth of it all, however, was that I had to go down into those places, to fight my battles. It was a long, and epic battle. I had thought that it would surely destroy me in the end, but then something amazing and unexpected happened. After all the fighting, suffering, and metaphorical blood spilt, I finally won. I arose, completely victorious, to my own surprise. Like a phoenix out of her ashes, I flew up and out of all that bullshit with incredible vigor and new life. I emerged from all of that with a real sense of who I was, and that was something that I hadn't had for many many years, if ever. So here I am, after so much seemingly wasted time, and although it may seem on the outside that I have nothing to show for the past 10 years or more, I have been completely reborn. The victory in battle somehow has absolved my sense of regret for the things I have done. The guilt remains of course, but there is an awareness in my heart that tells me that I needed to go down that path to fight that battle so that I could truly be free. I have never felt so strong in my entire life. I feel almost invincible, but in a completely humble sort of way. Nothing can stop me now. I am an unmovable force that cannot be reckoned with. The smoke from the raging war within my soul has finally cleared, and I am free to move beyond simple, mediocre, scraping and scrounging life, towards something bright and beautiful. I will no longer just survive, I will absolutely thrive.

If I only knew...
If I could only see back from ahead. If I could only see over my own head. This is all leading me somewhere, and from the look of it now, it's bound to be painful. Whatever decision I make, it will be so difficult. I am not sure how much more I can handle these continuous difficulties of life. I am so very tired. If I stay there will be trouble, and if I go it will be doubled. Which is right? What is the absolute truth of it all? Where is the all encompassing ethical map for life when you need it? Am I meant to be patient, and wait it out? Are we really going somewhere? No words better than these come to my mind to describe how I am feeling right now, than the ones in this song:

A groan of tedium escapes me, stuttering, fearful.
Is this a test?
It has to be. otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience. drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. and I'm still right
But I'm still right here, giving blood and keeping faith. and I'm still right

I'm gonna wait it out

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I'm gonna wait it out

If there were no desire to heal
The damaged and broken met along this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.

I still may. and I still may.
Be patient.

I must keep reminding myself of this...

If there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may. and I still may. and I still may.

I'm gonna wait it out.
I'm gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.
Gonna wait it out.

Tool - The Patient

Two days until our departure...
Very soon, Autumn and I will be on a plane to Calgary to go visit our beloved family and friends. Too often, I think of living there.. but it seems so impossible, and I know that Harv doesn't think it's a good place to live. It's so hard to always be torn in two between here and there, and us and them. It is so confusing in this life to know what is best for you and yours. It is so confusing to know which way to go, or what to do to get where you want to be in life. It is as if there are too many options, and not enough at the same time! I am so frustrated... I have no idea what is going on in my life. I mean, I have some idea. Sometimes I get this glimmer in my mind that it all makes sense somehow, and it is all leading up to something... somewhere... somehow... but it is so vague and intangible! I still feel so unsure. About so many things. Even things that are supposed to be set and fixed in place by now, like my relationship. There is only a couple of things in my life that I am sure about. My desire to fulfill my potential as a human on this planet, and my love for my daughter. Everything else is all mixed up in my brains. I wish I knew what to do to create the results that I want to see in my life. I wish that I had been born with some kind of guidebook on how to deal with everything that I have been through, and everything that I want to go through. It's all so complex that it is hard to see it when I am so close. Perhaps our trip to Calgary will give me some perspective. It often does... All I can do now is roll with it.

Waiting for someone or something to show me the way...
It has been a very long time since I have wrote in any kind of journal... I am not even sure what to say yet. This is my starting point.

(no subject)
comfort suit

I’ve been hiding in you again…
Creeping crawling,
In your corners.
So many people’ve told me…
No one can save me,
Nobody but myself…
It’s not that I never knew
The truth of it,
What was spoken to me.
It’s just I don’t always
Notice when
I climb into someone else’s skin.

Only a few pages left.
The raindrops are gently falling on my mother's roof, reminding me of the tears that I have shed. Being home has been quite an emotional experience. Much has been taught to me by the women in my family. About us and about myself. Helping me to understand how I was created and where I fit in. Another piece in the puzzle, another brick removed. I feel prepared to return to my life at home. My dreams for the past month or so make sense to me now. It was all about this, and everything else. I already knew, I just had to experience it. It's funny that I call both there and here Home. It's funny because it's true. Home is where my heart is, and my heart is in my chest. It is also where ever those whom I love happen to reside geographically. I have many homes, and many names that stretch on back and forward through the ages. I am both everywhere and nowhere. In some Times and all Time. I'm feeling capable of smiling about my life. Yes, there was pain. But there was also so much Love. More than anyone could ever ask for. People have sacrificed their childhood and their comfort, for the benefit of my brother and I. We lived entire lifetimes before I was the age of 5. It has been that love that has kept us alive long enough to be capable of taking care of ourselves.
The time is dawning for me to let go of the pain and fear from my past, and to embrace the healing and love in my present and future. To recognize and be grateful for the love from my past that has never dimmed and still shines brightly all around me. To accept all aspects of myself and my experiences. To step through my shadow and come out the other side to walk on the clear path to heaven that lies before and after me.
It won't be easy, so I can not be lazy. I can step through my tiny little comfort zone and show myself what I am truly made of.
Perhaps it is easy... in the grand scheme of things. People have survived and transcended much much more on our tiny speck of a molecule of a planet. So Why Not? I know that it is worth it. It is everything that I have ever wanted, and I can achieve it for myself. I no longer need or search for anyone who will try to do it for me. Dragging me along like a disfunctional child in a supermarket. I will do it for myself, and the support that is available to me will help to keep me from falling. I am the one climbing the cliff, and they are my climbing equipment. They aren't a part of me, but they certainly fit and they most definetly keep me firming secured to a solid foundation.
Thank You.

never alone always all one in all ways
I am recovering from past, relationships, drugs, alcohol, etc. I am struggling, but I am alive and growing everyday. Never changing, always growing. I am me, and I am learning to be comfortable with that. Acceptance, Honesty, Openness, and Willingness. I have been humbled, and I am on the right path. Things seem murky right now, but I find comfort in knowing that this too shall pass. There is so much to say, but no words to say it. Everything falls apart, and I am getting good at actually putting the pieces together myself instead of always looking to someone to save me. I have truly learned, through experience, that I am the only one who can do this. Right on. No more fucking around. No more bullshit. No more lying to myself.
I learned something cool today about my old arch enemy responsibility. It was always a painful word for me. But someone today said that it is the ability to respond... which makes a ridiculous amount of sense to me. It relieved a great burden from my shoulders.
Look at me go! I'm growing up, finally. I came to the realization recently that I am not a teenager anymore and I don't want to keep reliving the same life over and over again. The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same things and expecting different results.. so I am trying something new, and so far it's working for me. I only need to stay patient and realize that it's not all going change over night. Cause things right now aren't at all exactly how I would like them to be, but it's going to take some time for me to make my life what I want it to be. I have a lot to look forward to. I just need to stay focused and positive. I need to abandon my old behaviors and patterns of thinking... It's all a lot of work but it's slowly starting to pay off. Who knew that doing drugs and drinking all of the time had such a profound impact on the quality of my life. But here we are, and I refuse to move anywhere but forward. No more backpeddling. No more circles. Fuck that. It's time to actually experience real life instead of living in my own personal hell. So that's where I'm at I guess. I pray that everyone gets as much of an opportunity to rethink and restart their life like I have, with the support that I have. All it takes is the willingness to grow along spiritual lines. I love and miss you all.

(no subject)
she says:
just how bad can you be?
can we do this again?
lets break some hearts,
lets be bad together.
lets be bad together
so that we can be good together.
cuz we were so good together
when we used to be bad together.

here it is, here i am, there i go.
everyone is complaining that i haven't posted in too long, so here i am. things have been so distracting, that i haven't even written in my non-virtual journal since i arrived here in moose jaw. i have been here for two weeks now. actually, i think it might be three... but whatever. i am here and that's what counts. it's hard to say what i am feeling these days.. it's not that i am confused, or anything. i'm just not sure how to put it all into words. i am happy i think. it's complicated... everything always is.

i am moving into my apartment this week because larry needs some space before he starts nit picking at me (so says diane). diane and larry, these two people are travis' parents. i love them to death, and it has been great staying with them. i suppose it is time for me to test my wings though. my apartment is a bag of shit, but i am hoping to find a better one right away.

the whole deal with travis has relaxed quite a bit. there was a lot of drama from my end the first week or so that i was here. but i have calmed down. now we can hang out and have a good time together without as much awkwardness. the awkwardness that remains comes from me because i am having trouble obeying the physical boundaries. i'll get used to it i suppose. wish that i didn't have to, but i will. it would help if he wouldn't look at me that same way still with those big dark blue eyes.. but it is probably unintentional. either that or it's all in my head. i still see it in his eyes though, and it confuses me. i guess that he probably still does love me, it's just not the time for us right now. maybe. i dunno. i'm still stupid enough to believe that we'll get back to eachother someday.

who knows though right?

let's see... i've been working nights at tim hortons for the past week, and it has been incredibly draining. i am going to have to quit because it is too far away, and full time nights is just too much for me. not to mention that i've been hired at houston pizza for waitressing, and i'll make way more money there. it's close to home also, which is a bonus for those of us who don't have vehicles (meaning moi).

i'm not sure if there is much else for me to report. i haven't been feeling or thinking about all that much this past while. i have been too absorbed in things like work. i don't have a social life, i just hang out here with diane and larry mostly. last night i went out with ryan (aka iggy) and had a few drinks. smoked some pot for the first time since i've been here. i wasn't all that impressed with the beer, or the pot, or the people. ryan is cool, but the other people that he hangs out with are lacking a certain amount of intelligence. i did meet a cute boy named jessiah though. i think i may have met him before, but he was really cute and seemed a lot smarter than everyone else in that apartment.

i don't really have much else to say i suppose. i miss my friends and family in calgary, but i don't miss the lifestyle that i was living while i was there. i wish that i'd be able to afford to visit for christmas, but i don't see that happening. who knows. it all depends on what my income is like, and how much i am able to save. not to mention whether or not i will have time off work.

that's it for now folks, i've made my update. now you can stop complaining, and realize that it would have been boring anyways! haha. but there it is either way. hope i didn't bore y'all too much.


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